Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
