I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
