I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
