Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
