Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
