So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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