Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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