She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the day after is always just damage control
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
