I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
