tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
