If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
