I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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