I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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