I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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