Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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