I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i permit you to call me
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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