She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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