I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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