I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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