Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
