Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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