I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
