DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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