I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
