Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
