Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
