I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Randomize
