I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
