this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
