i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
