just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
