Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
