Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
