I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
