I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
