awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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