This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
