I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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