Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
