you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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