guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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