my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
