he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
