come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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