I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
