So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
