I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
