I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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