Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
