Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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