Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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